Letting Go

I didn’t realize how much space a tub of ice cream can take up on my desk, my computer is now squeezed within the scarcity of a flat surface. 

I have adjusted accordingly, the ice cream has been returned to its snug corner of the freezer and more space is available for some organized writing so please bear with me as I put forth my best attempt. 

Here is an update. The last post was written three weeks into my time in Washington D.C. Today I write with three weeks remaining in Washington D.C. 

The tides continue to change and the waves continue to fluctuate in their magnitude. Yet, I feel as though the wind has simply changed direction and I adjusted my sails accordingly. If I knew more about sailing maybe I could describe this metaphor more effectively. The point is I am here at the front of my boat ready, and sailing with the wind. 

I choose to believe things have changed for the better. My mindset has shifted and I realize I was never on the cusp or stuck in this state of in between. Or more clearly, I only felt stuck due to my inability to let go. 

My how exponentially light I became in the moment I chose to let go. Sometimes I can still see the balloon I released floating further and further away from me into the atmosphere. When I catch a glimpse of it I wish I could have it in my hand again. But then I realize if I held on to that one balloon forever my hand would never be free to hold anything else. 

Life is moving. Life keeps moving. We all know that much, and as much as I wish I could stop time and live within a moment or replay something again and again. That is not what it means to exist. In fact, life is fleeting and with that, I realized how insignificant certain moments can be because of the fleeting essence of my own existence. 

I spent the beginning of my summer with some bouts of sourness in my circumstance. I was without my dearest friends in a state of unfamiliarity. An array of new faces and expectations, an internship, and the harsh realization of a long life ahead. 

I was unable to be present because I had no desire to let go of the beauty I had just come from. I had just finished my junior year and my friends and I were celebrating milestones within our time as students, it was golden. But as Ponyboy reminds Johnny through the words of Robert Frost, “nothing gold can stay”. See but I just wanted it to stay so badly that when it was gone and I was in Washington D.C. rather than be present I was stuck. I closed my eyes trying so hard to remember the gold. I was stuck trying to understand how I would leave all my friends in a year after graduating college. I was stuck missing the fun adventures we had and cool places we went. I was stuck trying to imagine my life five years in the future. But life is fleeting. I needed to let go so I could be present and experience this part of my life too. 

When I let go, I could remove the dark veil I had placed over all my surroundings. I could feel more comfortably me. I could truly smile at someone in the elevator  and genuinely ask, “How are you?” Because now I was present. Now I could remember life is fleeting and while I can’t hold on to specific moments, or control what is to come. I can simply exist in the best way I know how. I could walk down the street and know I wasn’t seeking happiness but more so a peace and sense of contentment. Wherever I was or whatever I was doing was a blessing because I was here in the present moment experiencing whatever it was. I just had to let go. 

In the times I remind myself that life is fleeting I realize the necessity to let go. To let go of the minuscule wrongdoings of an individual or the old lady that yelled at you running past her on the sidewalk. To let go of the embarrassment that scarred you or the hesitancy to take positive action. Because life is fleeting and I would prefer to not grow bitter over the hurt. I prefer not to grow stationary with the unnecessary weight I pack into my mind.  Because life is fleeting I would much rather commit my energy to existing in the best way I know how. To attempt my best at choosing patience over imprudence. If my heart beats lighter when I can genuinely smile at someone then I would prefer to smile. Because life is fleeting and I cannot know the moment that a smile is my last. Or that farewell is my last. Even more so to those people that come in and out of my life leaving their footprints upon my heart. I can never know when or if they will return, hence I must commit my best and let the rest go. I realize my small speck of existence on this earth is much grander than the ripples in the water. While I grow, my community will grow with me and things may grow to look different. My circle may grow smaller but all I can control is my smile. My thoughts, the lens within which I choose to see the world around me. 

So I am no longer on the cusp, I need not be stuck in any in-between. I need only be willing to let go of the beauty and the pain in order to accept the things as they are around me. The moment I let go, is when I realize how blessed my circumstance is.

I have been given so much in spending my summer here in Washington D.C. While my experience hasn't been perfect, while I had a rough start, life is fleeting so I can start now and take it as it is. I can enjoy the newfound friendships. I can begin to venture out on my own and explore new places. 

I realize I am just fine. I need not see what unknown lies ahead because I am not ahead. I am here presently. I need not be comforted in my uneasiness because I can be reassured by the proof in my past. That the trials endured then are no different than what heaviness I feel now. It is reassuring to know, as the song says, God can turn graves into gardens. I can smile at the fact that I have endured 22 years of tumultuous life. In fact, that is what puts a smile wide across my face because my ship has continued its time along the tides. So here I became so stuck, but when I look beyond the ripple in the water, I can see nothing that cannot be navigated through. I may not see the path before me, but only know to put one foot in front of the other. If I choose to navigate this tumultuous tide of life, I will. I hope to follow the path set before me, that is my intention, in this fleeting existence, it's all I can do. 

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.” Hebrews 11:8 NIV