The Deep End of the Unknown

One of my teachers asked me how I was doing in class today. I am pretty sure she was asking in regards to my progress on my project within that class. Yet, my response involved the acknowledgement of an oncoming Tsunami. Still, I noted I was doing well, at this present time my head was above water. After all, just before a big wave comes in the tides get a bit lower. 

I have discussed previously the idea of my necessity to let go of an abundance of things within my life. I wonder if my attitude of letting go caused me to lose sight of my goals amidst that. Here within my senior year, fall semester, I found myself floating along the waves. I had let go of the bs within my life, the unnecessary fat on the chicken pieces. But I think I also threw out the good parts too, the good nutrient chicken. (Apologies if you are reading this as a vegetarian, but I don't imagine my reader base is broad enough to include such a diverse array of individuals.) Nonetheless, as aforementioned the difficulty in letting go of the unnecessary out-of-controllables and holding on to the beautiful parts of my life, of my environment. Holding on to my sense of motivation to do and accomplish even within my last year at university. 

I look back on the idea of my younger self. I remember we were making time-capsules at a girl scout meeting, something we would open in ten years. “TEN YEARS??!!??” My ten year old self could not comprehend the essence of a twenty year old version of me ever existing. Yet here I am writing this small thought out at the age of 22. 

That is just it. Here I am in my last year of university. Just at the tip of a new beginning. That causes my heart to beat a slight bit faster. New beginnings. What does this new beginning consist of or look like? What will my job be like? What will my house look like? The state I move to? The vacation time? Nearest grocery store? Will I make new friends? Will I keep my old ones? Will I live alone for the rest of my life? And I freeze. Or I froze. I  had let it all wrap tightly round my mind and place constraints upon my heart too. 

I went so far as to begin to avoid one of my friends, anticipating they would be one to not make an effort at keeping in contact over the years. I let it all go, I was floating, lifeless about the ocean. I was getting through the days, lost the sense of presence, no more new opportunities for me, just get to graduation. A coping mechanism, a means to deal with what it all meant. I thought I was in better control but I realized later I was just being pitiful, seeking an easier means to deal with the inevitability of change that lay just beyond the tide. 

I decided later, I was tired of just getting by, I had goals for my career, goals within university, things I wanted to do before I graduate. So it was a sifting through that was necessary at this point. 

Sift through the indeed bs, the monotony, the things that contribute to one's inability to be brave. And hold on to the beautiful friendships that do exist around me, that have carried me through the difficulties in university that have treated me with patience, and brought laughter to lighten the world's moments of heaviness. 

I was in fear of life. How could I have been so forgetful to not remember that life is fleeting, that life is change, that life is growth. To have thought I could anticipate the people that would leave in my life, and those that would stay. To live is to dive into the deep end of the unknown. I need not know everything after all. 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ.” Philippians 4:6-7 NIV