Pages Turning, Chapters Closing

Today marks 2 weeks left of class and thirty-one days left until the day I find myself on a

football field throwing my hat into the air with such a myriad of emotions my tears will be projectile, shooting from my eyes. I can’t wait to see the day I am on the plane after graduation on my way back to beautiful California. But until then, I have 2 weeks of class and 31 days in total. So, I still have to be present, and enjoy the state of Colorado while I am here. I also ought to enjoy the last moments with friends while we are still in such close proximity to one another. 

In discussions and reflections with friends it is interesting to think of the anticipation building within. We know life is about to change for all of us. Considering post graduation, we don’t know exactly what any of this looks like, or what it all means. But the pages are turning and the chapter is closing. And this build of anticipation for what's to come is made of fear and excitement, also some melancholic undertones. It's this state of acknowledging we are ready to leave and graduate but then still having thoughts of what life will be like for those of us that will find ourselves living in an apartment by ourselves and what that will mean or feel like. Still, in all of that we can’t help but feel further contrasting emotions between being excited to leave the school and graduate and the slight loss felt in having to leave the luxury of living across the hall from close friends. Nonetheless the tide continues and all of it will happen and unfold regardless of our being ready or not. 

It is an exciting thought nonetheless to be ready to step into something quite unknown. This closing and opening of chapters definitely invites some reflection of our last 5 years here at university. Upon my own reflection a part of me smiles proudly, laughs at those funny moments with friends, and another piece of me cringes in discomfort at those poor decisions made or bad friendships entertained. It's crazy to think of the vast array of people you meet from different places while at university, but it also hurts to think of the way in which I was so susceptible to falling to deception, even the reflection of dissolved friendships elicits a sense of solemnity. 

The song currently swimming in my earbuds, “Save Myself” by Ashe could in some ways more effectively explain this parallel. In a way I do reflect on those more poor decisions, complicated situations, and blatant drama and think to myself I wish I could have “saved myself” from the hurt and emotional expenditure of all that and just been strong enough or sensible enough to separate myself from those people and situations sooner. I think of all those moments I would spend in quiet contemplation of confusing situations, the emotions I wasted conjuring up false unnecessary apologies to avoid conflict. If only I had seen through the facade of that plastic shiny screen sooner, I could have freed myself from the drama and the hurt. Some of which was inflicted upon me and other moments in which I myself was the cause. Still, I guess that's the point, better to learn it here while at university, than later when trying to begin my career. I think of how much better I feel now that I am out of all the drama, and let the rest of the unknown complicated stuff go, if only I had just done that sooner, I could have saved myself from a multitude of replaying situations and contemplations I wrestled in my mind. I could have saved myself from moments where I fucked up too. 

My dad noted, “if you weren't there then, you wouldn't be feeling this breakthrough now”. I can’t help but agree, even though I still feel stupid about some of the things I did. At least I know I was trying to live in the best way I could find in those moments. Which doesn’t mean I was making perfect decisions and taking perfect actions, it means I slipped from time to time but put a band-aid over the wounds and kept going. At least I know I said what I felt inside in those moments and even though I feel differently, or know better now, I couldn't get here had I not gone through those other experiences before. Guess it's just all reflective of the inevitable tumultuous tide of life, and there is more to come in the next chapter. I just have to hope I know better now how to navigate after the amount of storms I have weathered my past few years at university. 

It’s nice to look back and think of those moments in which I was at the heights of happiness or the depths of my despair, but I made it out somehow. I laugh to think of how I have changed as well from my first day, to now. Suppose that is my existence, an ever changing self made up of my vast array of experiences, thoughts and emotions. 

So ultimately, yeah, it’s scary to think of what's to come, but in reflecting on my past couple years of existence, I am still eager for the ways in which I will exist within the next chapter of my life. All I can do is sit here amidst the days and attempt my best at a steady sense of presence as opposed to trying to rush the tide. Just stay out the monotonous drama and focus on gearing myself up for what’s to come. 

“Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people…” -Galations 6:8-10 NIV 

“In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.” ― Albert Camus