The New New

Everything comes to an end. Nothing lasts forever. Change is inevitable. The sampling of strings of thoughts that swirl within my mind.

I have reached the start of the second semester of my senior year at university. I sit here in one of my most visited places since I was blessed with the freedom of my own car, and reflect on the mindset I ought to adopt in order to look back on my semester when graduation day arrives about 5 months from now, and be proud of what I did. I fully acknowledge my objective is not to change the entire university, to alter the societal structures within the institution, or make my name known for generations to come. I just want to look back and think wow, you really made it. Granted I have already made it through 4 years and a semester, what else is to come with the 5 months that remain? Granted, just 2 days ago I was barely qualified to graduate until I finally received a passing score for one of my qualifying exams. But that is just it, I have approximately 5 months left in a place I have been for almost 5 years! The very place I found myself just three weeks after graduating high school. The place where I reflected on what it meant to exist apart from all I had known as a kid. A place where I grew and became an individual with individual impacts, influences, and experiences. 

After my semester abroad in Colombia, during my junior year, I returned to university with an enhanced sense of appreciation and gratitude for all the people I knew. For the friends I made, the teachers I learned from, and the community within which I held a place. It was from that moment that I really started to analyze my friendships and the people I surrounded myself with. There were so many friends I grew sad to imagine never seeing again upon graduation. Noted, that is a dramatic statement with the whole “never”. But I was slightly over melancholic at the thought of losing those who were once such big parts of my everyday life. As life continued to unfold along the tumultuous tides of university I traveled from my melancholy, to my gratitude and to acceptance. Sure, I will absolutely miss my friends, but in my current existence, I can at least remind myself that graduation is not just the loss of close everyday contact with my friends. Graduation is also a great expanse of distance being created between me and the university itself. Hence, change is inevitable. New things lie ahead, though much of it unknown, still it will be new. I cannot exist at university forever. 

Maybe this is why the New Year is so appealing to the broad amount of society. The idea of forced change, forced newness. It reminds me of the appeal in being a new kid at school. When I was younger I always enjoyed entertaining the idea of moving to a whole other state and starting at an entirely new school, knowing nobody, and nobody knowing me. It was a chance to completely reinvent myself, truly start fresh. Still, sometimes the New Year feels anti-climactic at times. Like when I go to sleep on the 31st of December having completed my bingo card with my aspirations for the new year. But then I wake up on the 1st of January with the weight of realizing I am still exactly where I was, everything around me still exactly the same, still at the same place along my race of life. But maybe that is the appeal, the New Year is the opportunity to choose to continue in the race but possibly choose to change your pace.

There is still so much unknown that lies ahead. Now that it is merely a few more essays, quizzes, and assignments that lie between me and my current finish line. I realize I haven’t the time for grief, but only gratitude and acceptance. I need to be present yet again and appreciate those that travel along with me in the current moment. To let go of the unknowns and simply find peace and content in my present circumstance. Upon reflection of my desired mindset, I found myself with the picture of a train. 

Well, everyone has goals they are working towards at different times in their lives, or seasons they are going through. My current goal or phase of life was graduating university. Nonetheless, I have this train, and my train is going in a specified direction along its own specific tracks. I realize there will be people that hop on and off the train, those that are in the engine room, shoveling coal to keep the train in motion (I think that’s how that works), and those traveling in other trains in the opposite direction of my own. But, all I ought to focus on is keeping my train moving. To those who take a seat, of course they are welcome to come along for the ride, as long as they contribute to the forward motion of the train. And those that hop off, well they have other trains to catch too, all I can do is just keep choo-choo-ing, keep the train moving. I find this analogy so exciting because I can see myself thinking "choo-choo" in my head when I feel stuck in the day-to-day build up of monotonous drama and needless turmoil my train doesn't have time for. 

I suppose that is the appeal, the forward motion of having made it to yet another year of existence. Happy New Year! An automatic filter for those relationships that were meant to last beyond university and for those that hit the end of their road. Beyond university when we all move from two rooms down to over 200 miles away, I know I will keep in contact with those that still hold a seat in the forward motion of my train. 

I suppose that is why people make the resolutions, and I made my bingo card. Because while leaving what I have grown accustomed to, moving into new, can bring undesired challenges, so why not seek to accomplish more amidst the uncharted territory. Or maybe it is just a few goals created with the intention to distract oneself or reinforce oneself from the fear of what lies ahead. 

Still, as I become entangled within my own web of thoughts I return to my current track, headed to graduation. I will refocus on that nearest finish line, and aspire to move forward, and keep the train moving in the best way I can.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9